Tuesday, April 23, 2013

If Last Saturday Night Happened Entirely on Twitter

I'm not even going to say it, cause we all know it's probably not true. I'll try to be better with the blogging, but let's be honest, my last post was almost a year ago...but, something has brought me out of hiding, an event so ridiculous that it is begging to be blogged. :)

So, Saturday evening started out as any other (if your standard of "any other" is a 6+ hour session trying to format a book for trade paperback publication...) but it escalated into something I'm still trying to comprehend completely. It was hilarious, horrible, and a little harrowing all at the same time. But, for some reason, I feel compelled not to simply tell you about it, but to recant the tale in a Twitter format...I don't know why, it seemed funny at 3:30 Sunday morning, so we'll see how this goes.

Oh, and it should go without saying, but names have been changed to "protect" those involved (also, cause we came up with fun aliases...no disrespect to anyone was intended). Oh, and there's likely some language that some people might find offensive. Sorry about that...can you bleep it out yourself? Cause it made it funnier when we were coming up with this ridiculous blog post. (Color coded for easier reading...or to make it more difficult to read, I'm honestly not sure)

It all started here:
6:00PM
SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
Ok, this is where imma be at, in case something happens...keep yo' phones on (address deleted for security).

TOWANDA @towandadotcom
Got it. Stay safe, bitch. :)

Seems normal enough, right? Well, it wasn't until a couple hours later that things started really getting interesting...take a look.
8:30PM
SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
OMG. Kid's still sleeping. He's gonna be up all MF night. I mean who lets their kid start napping at 5PM??? Who does that? #babysitting

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
And, now he's up...and screaming like a banshee...guess he doesn't like waking up to a stranger in the house. Great. Is it 11:30 yet?

TOWANDA @towandadotcom
OMG. So sorry, girl. #notafanofkids

11:15PM
SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethe third
Ugh. Bitch just asked to stay out later. WTF? I said best be home by 12:00.

LAFAWNDA @lafawndamd
Seriously? That just happened? What's wrong with this chick? #someonestakingadvantageofyou

TOWANDA @towandadotcom
If she knows what's good for her, she'll be home by midnight...or else me an @lafawndamd are gonna MAKE her come home. This isn't cool.

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
OMFG. She jus' said prolly closer to 12:30, cause she gotta drive some other bitch home first. Imma tell her I'm leaving in 15 minutes.

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
Not really gonna of course...I'd never leave kids alone like that. That's not cool.

12:15AM
TOWANDA @towandadotcom
Whatcha up to @shaniquaesquirethethird? Still hangin' with the homies?

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
Haven't heard anything, she should be home soon. And then I can get home.

12:29AM
SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
Spoke too soon...just got this message: #seriously

CRAZYBITCH @crazybitchdontcareboutyou
I ain't leavin' my girl here. You gonna hafta stay with my kidz for a while still.
Retweeted by: @shaniquaesquirethethird

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
@crzybdontcareboutyou WTF???? We said 11:30. Best get home now, leave your girlie and take care of yo' kids.

LAFAWNDA @lafawndamd
For realz. Call the po-po's. Tell them what the sitch is, make them deal with it. #notyourproblem

CRAZYBITCH @crzybdontcareboutyou
@shaniquaesquirethethird OMG. I can't leave my homies. That's not cool. Chill the eff out.

TOWANDA @towandadotcom
Ok, that's it. @lafawnda let's go get this bitch. Applebee's here we come.

CRAZYBITCH @crzybdontcareboutyou
Oh, my hubby is gonna be pissed if you leave mah kidz. He's the one paying you anyway.

TOWANDA @towandadotcom
Where the eff is he anyway? @crzybdontcareboutyou #makebelievehusband

CRAZYBITCH @crzybdontcareboutyou
@towandadotcom Not like it's your damn business, but he's either working, or with some of his own kids, somewhere.

1:00AM
SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
OMG. Bitch ain't home yet. WTF, @crzybdontcareboutyou? Where the hell are you?

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
I'm getting a little worried. Are you drunk? Are you ok? Are you on your way home yet? Why aren't you answering?

TOWANDA @towandadotcom
Seriously, we're going to Applebee's now. I've had enough of this. #bitchisgoingdown

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
No, come here instead. I'm a little uncomfortable being in @crzybdontcareboutyou's house alone.

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
Oh, BTW, @crzybdontcareboutyou I got peeps comin' over, cause I don't trust you. 

LAFAWNDA @lafawndamd
Ok, we'll come over, but @towandadotcom and I really can't afford to get arrested. Just sayin'. 

1:15AM
TOWANDA @towandadotcom
Knock. Knock. #dontwakethekids

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
What the effing eff???? Who has a key lock on BOTH sides. I'm effing locked in here. Oh, wait. There's the key.

LAFAWNDA @lafawndamd
Ok, that's it. We're callin' the cops. Now. @shaniquaesquirethethird gimme your phone.

DAPOLICE @thepopos
Ok, let's hear this story @shaniquaesquirethethird

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
Hold, please. @crzybdontcareboutyou is on the other line. Wonder what the bitch wants.

CRAZYBITCH @crzybdontcareboutyou
Hey y'all. I don't want strangers in my house. You need to leave now. My husband says to get out and leave the kids.

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
Ok, ok. No need to get all crazy. We're outta here. @crzybdontcareboutyou key is under the mat. don't drink and drive bitch.

1:20AM
TOWANDA @towandadotcom
Ok, back to calling @thepopos. They need to know what's goin' on here.

DA POLICE @thepopos
Glad you called back. What's the haps? #weuseslanglanguagetoo

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
Ok, well, just read Twitter, you'll see everything, I don't want to tell it all again.

DAPOLICE @thepopos
Ok, we see what's up. Someone will be by soon to take a statement, don't leave.

2:00AM
SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
Hey, @thepopos where the eff are you guys, it's been almost an hour! (BTW, @crzybdontcareboutyou STILL isn't home.)

DAPOLICE @thepopos
Oh, sorry about that...there was an actual #emergency. We're on our way.

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
And the #bitch STILL ain't home. #shouldcallcps #nowimsurethehubbyisimaginary

2:20AM
TOWANDA @towandadotcom
Oh, here they are. Finally. About time. #anhourlater

2:25AM
LAFAWNDA @lafawndamd
Why the hell is he still in the car?? #comeoneweretired

CRAZYBITCH @crzybdontcareboutyou
Eff you all. I'm home now. Don't see what the big deal was. Chill out. My hubby will contact you tomorrow...after he files a report on y'all.

OFFICERNICEGUY @niceandfunnytoo
Hey, I think I'm caught up, but I want to hear it from @shaniquaesquirethethird

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
OK, here's the story...well, you can just read it above. 

OFFICERNICEGUY @niceandfunnytoo
Yeah, we've been called out here to @crzybdontcareboutyou's house before. We pretty much know everyone by name.

LAFAWNDA @lafawndamd
So, if @shaniquaesquirethethird had actually left the kids, would she have gotten in trouble?

OFFICERNICEGUY @niceandfunnytoo
Nope. Parents are responsible for their kids 24/7. @crzybdontcareboutyou you should try and remember that...

OFFICERNICEGUY @niceandfunnytoo
Don't ever feel bad about calling us. You did the right thing. Although nothing will ever come of this... #honesty

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
Ok, cool. That makes me feel better.

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
@towandadotcom and @lafawndamd Thank you both so much #besties #luvmyfriends

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
One more favor though...can you follow me home? I'm still a little shaken up and afraid of @crzybdontcareboutyou

TOWANDA @towandadotcom
You got it. 

LAFAWNDA @lafawndamd
@shaniquaesquirethethird and @towandadotcom y'all should come in for a few minutes, we need to decompress #crazyassnight

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
Ok, but just for a minute #sofreakingtired

An Hour Later...(aka 3:30AM)
TOWANDA @towandadotcom
Ok, I really need to get some sleep...time to head #home Still want someone to follow you @shaniquaesquirethethird?

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
@towandadotcom Nah, I'm ok now. Thanks though. (Prolly call you when I get home, so I can check for #crazies with someone else on the line)

SUNDAY 2:00PM (ish)
CRAZYBITCH @crzybdontcareboutyou
Hahaha. Take that @shaniquaesquirethethird #blocked What do you think of that?

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird
@crzybdontcareboutyou I don't #giveashit #haveanicelife

And that's about it. Yes, it was funnier on Saturday/Sunday when we were all hopped up on adrenaline...but I had to post it anyway. For the two of you reading this that haven't already heard the story. And, of course for Shaniqua, Towanda, and Lafawnda who will no doubt giggle about this for a long time. I know I will. 

-- Kelly :)