If Last Saturday Night Happened Entirely on Twitter

I'm not even going to say it, cause we all know it's probably not true. I'll try to be better with the blogging, but let's be honest, my last post was almost a year ago...but, something has brought me out of hiding, an event so ridiculous that it is begging to be blogged. :)

So, Saturday evening started out as any other (if your standard of "any other" is a 6+ hour session trying to format a book for trade paperback publication...) but it escalated into something I'm still trying to comprehend completely. It was hilarious, horrible, and a little harrowing all at the same time. But, for some reason, I feel compelled not to simply tell you about it, but to recant the tale in a Twitter format...I don't know why, it seemed funny at 3:30 Sunday morning, so we'll see how this goes.

Oh, and it should go without saying, but names have been changed to "protect" those involved (also, cause we came up with fun aliases...no disrespect to anyone was intended). Oh, and there's likely some language that some people might find offensive. Sorry about that...can you bleep it out yourself? Cause it made it funnier when we were coming up with this ridiculous blog post. (Color coded for easier reading...or to make it more difficult to read, I'm honestly not sure)

It all started here:

6:00PM

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

Ok, this is where imma be at, in case something happens...keep yo' phones on (address deleted for security).

TOWANDA @towandadotcom

Got it. Stay safe, bitch. :)

Seems normal enough, right? Well, it wasn't until a couple hours later that things started really getting interesting...take a look.

8:30PM

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

OMG. Kid's still sleeping. He's gonna be up all MF night. I mean who lets their kid start napping at 5PM??? Who does that? #babysitting

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

And, now he's up...and screaming like a banshee...guess he doesn't like waking up to a stranger in the house. Great. Is it 11:30 yet?

TOWANDA @towandadotcom

OMG. So sorry, girl. #notafanofkids

11:15PM

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethe third

Ugh. Bitch just asked to stay out later. WTF? I said best be home by 12:00.

LAFAWNDA @lafawndamd

Seriously? That just happened? What's wrong with this chick? #someonestakingadvantageofyou

TOWANDA @towandadotcom

If she knows what's good for her, she'll be home by midnight...or else me an @lafawndamd are gonna MAKE her come home. This isn't cool.

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

OMFG. She jus' said prolly closer to 12:30, cause she gotta drive some other bitch home first. Imma tell her I'm leaving in 15 minutes.

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

Not really gonna of course...I'd never leave kids alone like that. That's not cool.

12:15AM

TOWANDA @towandadotcom

Whatcha up to @shaniquaesquirethethird? Still hangin' with the homies?

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

Haven't heard anything, she should be home soon. And then I can get home.

12:29AM

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

Spoke too soon...just got this message: #seriously

CRAZYBITCH @crazybitchdontcareboutyou

I ain't leavin' my girl here. You gonna hafta stay with my kidz for a while still.

Retweeted by: @shaniquaesquirethethird

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

@crzybdontcareboutyou WTF???? We said 11:30. Best get home now, leave your girlie and take care of yo' kids.

LAFAWNDA @lafawndamd

For realz. Call the po-po's. Tell them what the sitch is, make them deal with it. #notyourproblem

CRAZYBITCH @crzybdontcareboutyou

@shaniquaesquirethethird OMG. I can't leave my homies. That's not cool. Chill the eff out.

TOWANDA @towandadotcom

Ok, that's it. @lafawnda let's go get this bitch. Applebee's here we come.

CRAZYBITCH @crzybdontcareboutyou

Oh, my hubby is gonna be pissed if you leave mah kidz. He's the one paying you anyway.

TOWANDA @towandadotcom

Where the eff is he anyway? @crzybdontcareboutyou #makebelievehusband

CRAZYBITCH @crzybdontcareboutyou

@towandadotcom Not like it's your damn business, but he's either working, or with some of his own kids, somewhere.

1:00AM

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

OMG. Bitch ain't home yet. WTF, @crzybdontcareboutyou? Where the hell are you?

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

I'm getting a little worried. Are you drunk? Are you ok? Are you on your way home yet? Why aren't you answering?

TOWANDA @towandadotcom

Seriously, we're going to Applebee's now. I've had enough of this. #bitchisgoingdown

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

No, come here instead. I'm a little uncomfortable being in @crzybdontcareboutyou's house alone.

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

Oh, BTW, @crzybdontcareboutyou I got peeps comin' over, cause I don't trust you. 

LAFAWNDA @lafawndamd

Ok, we'll come over, but @towandadotcom and I really can't afford to get arrested. Just sayin'. 

1:15AM

TOWANDA @towandadotcom

Knock. Knock. #dontwakethekids

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

What the effing eff???? Who has a key lock on BOTH sides. I'm effing locked in here. Oh, wait. There's the key.

LAFAWNDA @lafawndamd

Ok, that's it. We're callin' the cops. Now. @shaniquaesquirethethird gimme your phone.

DAPOLICE @thepopos

Ok, let's hear this story @shaniquaesquirethethird

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

Hold, please. @crzybdontcareboutyou is on the other line. Wonder what the bitch wants.

CRAZYBITCH @crzybdontcareboutyou

Hey y'all. I don't want strangers in my house. You need to leave now. My husband says to get out and leave the kids.

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

Ok, ok. No need to get all crazy. We're outta here. @crzybdontcareboutyou key is under the mat. don't drink and drive bitch.

1:20AM

TOWANDA @towandadotcom

Ok, back to calling @thepopos. They need to know what's goin' on here.

DA POLICE @thepopos

Glad you called back. What's the haps? #weuseslanglanguagetoo

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

Ok, well, just read Twitter, you'll see everything, I don't want to tell it all again.

DAPOLICE @thepopos

Ok, we see what's up. Someone will be by soon to take a statement, don't leave.

2:00AM

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

Hey, @thepopos where the eff are you guys, it's been almost an hour! (BTW, @crzybdontcareboutyou STILL isn't home.)

DAPOLICE @thepopos

Oh, sorry about that...there was an actual #emergency. We're on our way.

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

And the #bitch STILL ain't home. #shouldcallcps #nowimsurethehubbyisimaginary

2:20AM

TOWANDA @towandadotcom

Oh, here they are. Finally. About time. #anhourlater

2:25AM

LAFAWNDA @lafawndamd

Why the hell is he still in the car?? #comeoneweretired

CRAZYBITCH @crzybdontcareboutyou

Eff you all. I'm home now. Don't see what the big deal was. Chill out. My hubby will contact you tomorrow...after he files a report on y'all.

OFFICERNICEGUY @niceandfunnytoo

Hey, I think I'm caught up, but I want to hear it from @shaniquaesquirethethird

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

OK, here's the story...well, you can just read it above. 

OFFICERNICEGUY @niceandfunnytoo

Yeah, we've been called out here to @crzybdontcareboutyou's house before. We pretty much know everyone by name.

LAFAWNDA @lafawndamd

So, if @shaniquaesquirethethird had actually left the kids, would she have gotten in trouble?

OFFICERNICEGUY @niceandfunnytoo

Nope. Parents are responsible for their kids 24/7. @crzybdontcareboutyou you should try and remember that...

OFFICERNICEGUY @niceandfunnytoo

Don't ever feel bad about calling us. You did the right thing. Although nothing will ever come of this... #honesty

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

Ok, cool. That makes me feel better.

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

@towandadotcom and @lafawndamd Thank you both so much #besties #luvmyfriends

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

One more favor though...can you follow me home? I'm still a little shaken up and afraid of @crzybdontcareboutyou

TOWANDA @towandadotcom

You got it. 

LAFAWNDA @lafawndamd

@shaniquaesquirethethird and @towandadotcom y'all should come in for a few minutes, we need to decompress #crazyassnight

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

Ok, but just for a minute #sofreakingtired

An Hour Later...(aka 3:30AM)

TOWANDA @towandadotcom

Ok, I really need to get some sleep...time to head #home Still want someone to follow you @shaniquaesquirethethird?

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

@towandadotcom Nah, I'm ok now. Thanks though. (Prolly call you when I get home, so I can check for #crazies with someone else on the line)

SUNDAY 2:00PM (ish)

CRAZYBITCH @crzybdontcareboutyou

Hahaha. Take that @shaniquaesquirethethird #blocked What do you think of that?

SHANIQUA @shaniquaesquirethethird

@crzybdontcareboutyou I don't #giveashit #haveanicelife

And that's about it. Yes, it was funnier on Saturday/Sunday when we were all hopped up on adrenaline...but I had to post it anyway. For the two of you reading this that haven't already heard the story. And, of course for Shaniqua, Towanda, and Lafawnda who will no doubt giggle about this for a long time. I know I will. 

-- Kelly :)